BIG BROTHER 3 AT GARDENCROFT--

3 AT GARDENCROFT

in association with

Goody's Gumdrops

10 Jun 02

YESTERDAY we relived some of Jade's greatest hits, for the benefit of all you hard-core Jadists out there. But it isn't just Ms Goody's bon mots that delight us.

There's also her constant jabbering in the background. Regardless of what is going on, Jade supplies a stream of consciousness in a ground-breaking language whose relationship to the mother tongue is the rough equivalent of Stockausen's to classical music. But now we have to get used to a new, and strange experience. At regular intervals, often as Babba Jade is in full flow, a soundtrack of peaceful birdsong is substituted. A caption reads: WE APOLOGISE FOR THE GAP IN SOUND. THIS IS DUE TO LEGAL REASONS AND NORMAL SERVICE WILL RESUME SHORTLY.

As Jade gesticulates and the birds twitter sweetly, the effect is both comic and strangely relaxing. Think of the scene in The Shawshank Redemption, when the whole prison population stops and looks to the sky as Mozart is broadcast over the Tannoy.

Then, suddenly the live sound is back, and like the prisoners, we descend once more into Hell.

OK! also offers regular reports from the summer's other great competition: the battle to be officially recognised as Britain's most feeble-minded person, aka Channel 4's Big Brother.

This year, one need look no further than the awesome Jade, who has already succeeded in making last year's Helen ("A dove's a bird, innit?") look like a live-wire bluestocking.

Jadists have already savoured gems such as: "What's 'sparagus'? Do you grow it?" But her main problems are with geography. After revealing that she hadn't got a clue that Aberdeen is in Scotland, she turned her attention to her own country.

"I am from Bermondsey and I know that's in London," she ventured cautiously. "But where is Cambridge?" On being told where it is, she replied: "Where's East Anglia, though? I thought that was abroad."

Flags are confusing too. "The Union Jack is for all of us," she declared at one point, "but the St George is just for London, isn't it?"

When her comments were greeted with incredulous laughter, a look of concern came across her face. "Am I thick?" she asked, as though the thought had just occurred to her. "Do I need to work and learn things?"

And when not displaying her erudition, she is busy rewriting the rule book of logic. "I'm not calling you 'Babba'," said Sandy, quite reasonably. "You weren't christened it, you're not meant to be called it."

To which Jade replied: "What's christened got to do with it? Is that when they call you Babba?"

All in all, Jade presents as tough a challenge to OK!'s spin doctors as they are ever likely to encounter. Can they rise to the challenge? Yes, sirree.

"Jade may be loud, she may be brash, she may be rather like an overexcitable puppy," they admit, "but at least she's got an abundance of character."

Character. Yes, character. That's the word we were all groping for. Just don't ask Jade to explain it. Nail it down, and all the magic would be lost.

BIG BROTHER IS A

PRODUCTION FOR CHANNEL